Dear Mr. Trebek (or may I call you Alex?):
For a few years now, my husband, Nick, has been trying to get on your show. You know, that little Jeopardy project of yours. Frankly, I find your show kind of taxing to watch because of all of that fast-thinking involved — I mean, I've already spent nine hours at work; do I really need to spend 30 more minutes straining my brain? — but Nick lives for it. He watches it daily, spews out questions before you've even finished saying the answers, and calls his parents to let them know that he got Final Jeopardy right again. It's annoying, yet endearing, all at the same time.
He takes your online qualifying test whenever it's available, and I'm always amazed at how many answers (er, questions) he knows (since I stand over his shoulder watching nervously to see if he knows them). Sure, he misses a few, and occasionally puts "turd" or "turdville" in the response box when he doesn't know the right answer (er, question), but you like a good sense of humor, don't you, Alex? Isn't it important for Jeopardy contestants to be smart and entertaining?
I know a lot of people think they should be on Jeopardy. But the thing is, I know that my husband should be on Jeopardy. He'll probably get mad at my for "hyping him up" in this letter, but I just thought I'd give it a shot, because I think he's really, really smart. And handsome... but that's beside the point.
Anyway, please consider my plea. Oh, and if you need some new business cards or something, I'd be happy to design some in exchange for getting Nick on your show. It's the least I can do. Think about it.
PS, have I told you how great you look without your mustache? Like a fine wine, you have only improved with age! (Too much? Okay, I'm done...)